Starburst Fruit Chews (original)

A burst of refreshing fruit flavor for you! Didn't the old commercial for these used to feature some people on a luge ride or something? Maybe I'm dreaming it. I'm not really hungry, but I'm eating these to stay awake as I work. I had to take 4 Tylenol 3's this morning. I bet if the searing abdominal pain returns it'll pep me up good. Although, I'd rather have mouthwatering orange and lucious strawberry than searing abdominal pain. No, heroin. They don't have that in the vending machine though. I've never tried it before, does it come in orange flavor? I should be at home sleeping.

Cream of Wheat

It looks disgusting, but it's totally not. I put 2 packets of instant Cream of Wheat in a tupperware container with 2 heaping spoonfuls of sugar and take it to work. Then I dump in hot water and stir until it's grey, grainy and lumpy. Then I add milk and enjoy. It's just so goddamned good. I get annoyed if someone comes to my desk to visit while I'm enjoying my Cream of Wheat, because it starts to get cold. If I try to eat while talking to them, they're all, "oh, is that porridge?" No, it's not porridge, you dumb shit. I don't know what porridge is. Or maybe this is the porridge of the gods. The gods stand in a long line in the morning, eyes bleary and cheeks creased from the bedsheets, and the god who has cafeteria duty that week ladels big gobs of Cream of Wheat into their wooden bowls. Then they sit at long tables and silently scoop the lumpy goo into their mouths. I don't know what they have for lunch, maybe mac and cheese. With four cheeses, including edam. You have to put milk and lots of sugar in Cream of Wheat though, or else it's just vile.

maxi mum's fudge cookie

Fait au Canada! It got stuck on the side of the vending machine, but one swift, well-placed kick dislodged it. It is a huge chocolatey cookie, fudgy with chocolate chips. It cost me $1.25. The quarter I used had something gross stuck on it, so I made sure to use that quarter instead of the nice shiny one I also have. The chocolate chips were a little too melty. WTF, it's not that hot in here. Anyway it's a good cookie, and now I'm all jazzed from the sugar. I brought a nectarine from home today, but I probably won't eat it because I'm too full from the cookie.

I wish our vending machines had better snacks. The maxi mum cookies are good, but they don't always have those. There are too many varieties of potato chips. I don't really like potato chips. You know? Fuck 'em.